Sexuality and labels 101
“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
Sexuality, like any aspect of identity, is complicated and not always easy to put into words.
This section offers some different words and concepts for you to consider. Labels can never fully define who you are, but they can be helpful tools for exploring your identity.
Like Kimberly (she/her), many LGBTQ+ folks go through a process of exploring, learning, and unlearning on their way to understanding their own sexuality.
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Sexuality isn’t a binary
We tend to think of sexuality in binary terms. Are you gay or straight? Are you attracted to X or Y? Do you have romantic feelings for that person or not?
Sexuality is never so simple in practice. The content below shows that sexuality is not a binary, but reflects a fluid range of experiences and identities
Sexual attraction is not a binary but a spectrum. Some people who identify as Asexual don’t experience a high level of sexual attraction, if at all. Then on the other end of the spectrum is Zedsexual, a person who experiences a high degree of sexual attraction. You could also describe yourself as Graysexual, meaning you sometimes feel a lot of sexual attraction and sometimes you don’t.
Romantic desire
Romantic desire and sexual desire sometimes go together and sometimes they don’t. You can feel sexually attracted to someone, but have no romantic feelings for them (aromantic), or you can feel aromantic yet sexually attracted to someone. Then there is demisexual, being attracted to people you have an emotional attraction to.
Just as there’s a range of ways we can experience the intensity of our sexual desire, there's also a range of preferences in who we form relationships with. Some people prefer to be polyamorous (attracted to more than one person at once) and others are monogamous (a preference for having relationships with one partner).
Sexual preference is difficult to put on a spectrum, considering there are not just two genders to choose from. Some people identify as homosexual, meaning they attracted to people who share their gender. Other people are bisexual or pansexual, meaning they are attracted to people of two or more genders.
Labels exist, but aren’t everything
Below are just a few words folks might use to describe their sexuality. Don’t worry if you’re not sure which ones best describe you – labels can be helpful shortcuts but don’t solely define you. Your identity is yours to define in whatever way feels most authentic to yourself.
Since these definitions are constantly changing, look up (or even create!) terms you don’t know but are curious about.
Ace: An informal label for asexuals or people under the asexual umbrella.
Aromantic: Someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction*.
Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction* or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships (or the adjective describing a person as such).
Bicurious: Someone who might be exploring if they’re bisexual or not bisexual.
Bisexual: Someone who is attracted to those of their same gender as well as to those of a different gender.
Diamoric: An umbrella term referring to the attractions* experienced by non-binary individuals.
Demisexual: Someone who can only experience sexual attraction* or desire after an emotional bond has been formed (or the adjective describing a person as such). This is different from the choice to abstain from sex until certain criteria are met.
Gay: Someone who is attracted to those of their same gender. This is often used as an umbrella term, but is used more specifically to describe men who are attracted to men.
Graysexual: Someone who identifies with the area between asexuality and sexuality.
Grayromantic: Someone who identifies with the area between aromantic and romantic.
Lesbian: A woman who is attracted to other women. Some lesbians prefer to identify as gay women.
Pansexual: Someone who is attracted to people of any or all genders.
Polysexual/romantic: Someone who is sexually / romantically attracted to multiple genders, respectively.
Queer: In a very basic sense, anyone who is not heterosexual and/or cisgender. In the past, queer was a negative or pejorative term for people who are gay, and thus it is sometimes disliked.
* attraction can exist in many forms: sexual, romantic, intellectual, emotional, aesthetic, sensual, etc. Not experiencing one form of attraction does not necessarily limit one from feeling other forms of attraction.